Sunday, August 18, 2013


Searching but never finding.  Interested in everything but satisfied in nothing.  

These words have described me more times than I care to think about.
Lately, more than ever.  
I find myself waking up in the middle of the night feeling like time is running out.  I gaze out the window, daydreaming back to the past far too often and longing for a simpler time.  But what I really sense, is that amidst life's joys--marrying, bringing up children, friendships, etc... the restlessness was pushed aside, seemingly easy to ignore.  
Always it reappeared and often when I least expected it.
The desire for something more.  
It seems ungrateful not to enjoy every moment of marriage.  I married my best friend but I can't say he has satisfied my every need.  Nor should he.  I thought becoming a mother to three beautiful gifts from God should have been enough.  My children filled my life with sweet kisses, bedtime stories, and big, beautiful eyes that trust you for every little thing. Later, it was dance lessons, basketball practices, countless rides to and from school, church, activities......The years marched on.  College. Weddings. Grandchildren.  Friendships along the way that I cherish.  And so much more.  Fulfilled, but, just below the surface, I am unable to deny that always, the longing is there. I've lost track of the ways I've tried to distract myself from the pieces that are missing.

This yearning is different and difficult to describe.  Different than craving chocolate.  Beyond the satisfaction of the sweetest hug of the sweetest child.  Further than the need for a conversation with your best friend.  Relentless.  And so I find myself propelled to probe deeper.  

I've followed Jesus for most of my adult life.  I've blindly trusted Him, tearfully given my heart to Him and still.....this unrest.  
I know He is the answer.  It just seems like some days I can't find Him. Days when prayers seem only to reach the ceiling and the Answer seems so elusive.  I know better than to trust my feelings and so I begin the search.  Again. With new eyes.  A deliberate chasing after the One who loved me before I knew Him.  I'm asking Him to lead and taking a giant leap of faith by choosing to simply follow.  Even as my heart says, "NOW, I want it NOW.  The peace, the perfect peace, the security of resting in a Perfect Creator, for the unrest to be stilled--NOW", I know it will be a journey. I've packed my bags and I'm going wherever He takes me.

Almost immediately, as if He has anticipated this moment, I see that my soul is to find rest in Him alone. (Psalm 62:1)   The answer was simple and yet complicated.  How?  Again, I turn to familiar verses that answer new questions almost before I ask them.

1)  Be still and know that I am God.  (Psalm 46:10)
In this quest I am choosing to remember this truth daily.  Before my feet hit the floor in the morning and before I close my eyes to sleep.
2)  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.  (Psalm 37:7) 
I will wait on Him.  Though it will require a moment by moment mentality, I will not run ahead.
3)  Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to me  (Psalm 116:7) 
I will reflect on God's goodness and His faithfulness.

I know my heart.  Being still, waiting patiently and resting are not words that I get excited about.  I know that in order for this persistent, never-ending hunger to be filled, I will have to be diligent.  It will require falling on my knees and abandoning my old ways.  I'm willing because I want to be filled, through all my being unto all the fullness of God.  That I may have the richest measure of the divine Presence and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself.  Ephesians 3:19 (AMP)

I've declared it.  Now to live it.

I’ll be waiting
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
Looking for you

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I'm looking for you

I can feel you breathing
I can feel you leading
More than just a feeling
More than just a feeling
I can feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
'til the final healing
I'm looking for you
I'm looking for you


1 comment:

  1. Such beautiful words Laurie. Psalm 46:10, Be still and know I am God, is one of my favorite verses and posted throughout my home. Sometimes through that restlessness I just need to remember to be still and sit with Him. Thank you for sharing your heart.